Skyrim

Let me guess...did someone steal your sweetroll?

No, you sonuva b****. I never had a sweetroll.

    Another thing you must know about me is I love to join bandwagons after the wagon has been dismounted. There's a lot less annoying noise when you join something before or after everyone. I can go my own pace, enjoy my time, etc. 

    I was pretty happy to find a used version of the game for $14. I thought, now is the time, and bought it. When I booted it up, I was amazed at the beautiful scenery. It's not very often a game gets me to pause and look around in awe. (Pretty sure the Bioshock series is one of the only few to do so.) Obviously I already knew it would take me half an hour just to decide on a race and what she'd look like. 

Sims creator, anyone?

    Of course, after I'd chosen Woof Elf and found the appropriate name for her (Dessa), I began my quest in whatever the hell I was supposed to do first.

    Once I got to Whiterun and joined the Companions, I really started to see why people were so obsessed with this game. There's so many quests to do (I swear I got 20 going right now. Sometimes it's too much for me) so it's not like you never have anything to do. There are some glitches here and there that are hilarious and some that are super frustrating. 

    

    My favorite thing ever right now *SPOILER* is when Kematu subdued the traitor by petrifying her and she falls like a plank with her arms crossed. It's still giving me so much life.

    

-Bewitched nose wiggle-

    I killed my first Wooly mammoth by cheating. And by cheating I mean standing on high ground and shooting it with arrows for 5 minutes until it died. Yeah, we aren't doing that again. But it got my quest done.

   I appreciate the game for what it is; one of the best western rpgs ever created. The leveling up system is soooo much better than Oblivion was. It's overwhelming how many skills you can choose, though. There's a giant spider web of stuff but at least they limit you by how much of that skill you've acquired.

    All-in-all it's a really great game and worth all the praise it received. It's super addictive and really fun to run about the open world. I definitely recommend it to those who refused it beforehand because of all the 'arrow to the knee' memes. It's a fun game.

Die Hard Died Hard in My Heart

No, it's not. It's a very bad day to Die hard.

    If there's anything you should know about me at all, it should be that I friggin love the Die Hard series. The latest addition however...

Like father. Like son. Like Hell.

    Yeah. Like Hell I'd ever watch this piece of crap again. 

    Let me start from the beginning. Growing up- ok maybe that's too early. No need for me to go Chunk. (The Goonies for you uncultured types.) When I heard they were going to make this Die Hard, I was ecstatic. I have seen every Die Hard before it a good amount of times throughout my life. When the 4th Die Hard was released I saw it two days in a row with different people. After that, I had some crazy dreams where I had to save some lady and there were helicopters crashing into buildings and the like. It was pretty awesome.

    But, I digress...I was told the man behind the movie had changed along with the man's idea of who McClane was. Ruh-roh. Right then I knew something wasn't going to go right. They were going to make McClane less funny and more serious. Um...what? McClane is supposed to throw out silly jokes once in a while. It's his personality. When you live a life full of bullshit, you gotta joke about it once in a while to stay sane. He had a few lines in there that were jokes, and didn't think too smart about some things but I guess we could chalk it up to becoming old and bitter and dumb. I don't know.

    Once I saw the movie I was super unimpressed and felt cheated. What was this wannabe Die Hard? His son?? Jerkface?? People?? UGGHH???

    Honestly this will be the worst review I ever give because it's been forever since I saw it and since then I've tried to forget it even existed. It was that bad.

    A coworker asked me a while back, "What did you think of the fifth Die Hard?" and I curtly replied, "What? There's only four."

    Live Free or Die Hard was just such a fun movie with fun characters. Sure the plot was whatever but I didn't care. It was fun. This one, however...It was depressing. The story was a complete waste. I don't even wanna talk about it anymore.

    And if you're wondering why I even bothered now (especially so late int he game) it's because I saw it at work...and I became enraged like a bull seeing red. 

You don't exiiiisssst.

Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters

Badass

 
    This movie was everything I hoped it would be. It was consistently awesome with every witch they fought and dare I say, someone Gemma Arterton was more badass than Jeremy Renner for once! Hansel (Renner) was definitely more 'kid brother who mucks up every now and then and has to have big sister come save his ass.'

Girl power.

    Plus it was nice that they made evil witches ugly instead of beautiful and seductive. It felt more like a fairy tale/folk story that way. 

   The story wasn't as predictable as I thought it would be either. I felt like it was mocking me every time I guessed something wrong. 

You thought you knew where we were going with this but you didn't haha. 

   I thought it was interesting that they brought up the subject of diabetes and an alternative to a defibrillator. Futuristic science in a fairy tale is definitely intriguing; especially when explained in a fairy tale way. The weapons were cool, the spells were cool...It was just cool, ok? I'd say 8 out of 10. Nice action, kickass movie. 

A Haunted House

LOL

    EDIT: Ok so 'lol' by itself isn't good enough of a description for a movie...I get it. (Or is it?)

    This is the first comedy movie (in a very long time) to make me laugh so hard I couldn't breathe. I'd say that's pretty damn good. The jokes were mostly funny although I could do without the scene with Nick sexing it up with stuffed animals. It was uncomfortable. But I do go into comedy movies knowing they plan to make me uncomfortable...just not like that.

    They made some Blair Witch references and I believe a Left for Dead reference about startling the witch + other horror movie stuff. It was funny, I laughed, watch it when you got the time.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Insert super duper geek out session here.

    When I got wind that they were making this into a movie I thought I wouldn't be able to hold out to see it. Then they decided to make it into three parts. You're KILLIN' me smalls. Luckily I got to see the first installment a few days after it was released and it was everything I wanted it to be and more.

    To back it up a bit, I feel it is story time. You see, The Hobbit was a book my father had read to my brother and me when we were little kids. My brother would act out any action scenes respectively and I'd tell him to shut up and sit down so dad could continue. This book was my childhood. So after seeing the film, I decided I needed to go back and read it again.

    I have to give the creators of the movie a slow applause. They direct quoted from the book many times and made Bilbo Baggins out to be even more lovable and endearing. 

And who can't fall in love with anything Martin Freeman does in general?

    Seriously. This movie did good. It was a total of 2 hours and 49 minutes long and I loved every minute of it. The only happiness I felt from it coming to an end was that I could go to the restroom and relieve my bladder without missing anything. Otherwise I was sad that it was over and that I'd have to wait an eternity to see the next installment.

   A coworker of mined asked, "Didn't it feel dragged out to you?" and I replied with, "No, why?" insulted anyone could insinuate that this movie was too long. His reasoning was that half and hour had passed and they were still in Bilbo's house. I remember stating that was my favorite part and he looked at me like I was crazy. To each their own.

    Since I have no complaints and wouldn't be able to state any downfalls with this movie (other than how annoyed I was that they wouldn't show the dragon's face throughout the whole beginning as if A DRAGON'S FACE is a mystery), I'll have to name a few my coworker had issues with.

The one dragon eye to woo them all. I can practically see Benedict Cumberbatch in that galaxy eye.

   First being the movie was dragged out. How long can dwarfs stay in a hobbit hole and keep people entertained? 

    My answer: The whole movie. They drink, make jokes, and sing songs with their smooth as milk chocolate voices about mountains COME. ON.

I'd want them over to wash my dishes if I didn't know they'd eat me out of bed and home

...like a certain friend of mine does already..hmm.

    Secondly: The orcs and such were all animated and not real people.

    Boo-friggin-hoo. I don't really get how that's an issue. Someone explain to me why this is an issue. No. Really.

The trolls were hilarious, by the way. Being human actors wouldn't necessarily improve anything.

    There was stuff added to the story.

    Yes, other Tolkien lore was added to the movie. Considering it's the same world, I don't have a problem with it. Plus it added some cool story telling feel to it. The movie literally felt like a book in motion. It was that cool.

   Basically, I am all-around biased towards this movie and can see no wrong in it. I acknowledge my coworker's complaints but do not see them as failings. It just feels like unnecessary nitpicking on an awesomely done movie. 10 out of 10 from me. Everyone should see it!