Die Hard Died Hard in My Heart

No, it's not. It's a very bad day to Die hard.

    If there's anything you should know about me at all, it should be that I friggin love the Die Hard series. The latest addition however...

Like father. Like son. Like Hell.

    Yeah. Like Hell I'd ever watch this piece of crap again. 

    Let me start from the beginning. Growing up- ok maybe that's too early. No need for me to go Chunk. (The Goonies for you uncultured types.) When I heard they were going to make this Die Hard, I was ecstatic. I have seen every Die Hard before it a good amount of times throughout my life. When the 4th Die Hard was released I saw it two days in a row with different people. After that, I had some crazy dreams where I had to save some lady and there were helicopters crashing into buildings and the like. It was pretty awesome.

    But, I digress...I was told the man behind the movie had changed along with the man's idea of who McClane was. Ruh-roh. Right then I knew something wasn't going to go right. They were going to make McClane less funny and more serious. Um...what? McClane is supposed to throw out silly jokes once in a while. It's his personality. When you live a life full of bullshit, you gotta joke about it once in a while to stay sane. He had a few lines in there that were jokes, and didn't think too smart about some things but I guess we could chalk it up to becoming old and bitter and dumb. I don't know.

    Once I saw the movie I was super unimpressed and felt cheated. What was this wannabe Die Hard? His son?? Jerkface?? People?? UGGHH???

    Honestly this will be the worst review I ever give because it's been forever since I saw it and since then I've tried to forget it even existed. It was that bad.

    A coworker asked me a while back, "What did you think of the fifth Die Hard?" and I curtly replied, "What? There's only four."

    Live Free or Die Hard was just such a fun movie with fun characters. Sure the plot was whatever but I didn't care. It was fun. This one, however...It was depressing. The story was a complete waste. I don't even wanna talk about it anymore.

    And if you're wondering why I even bothered now (especially so late int he game) it's because I saw it at work...and I became enraged like a bull seeing red. 

You don't exiiiisssst.

Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters

Badass

 
    This movie was everything I hoped it would be. It was consistently awesome with every witch they fought and dare I say, someone Gemma Arterton was more badass than Jeremy Renner for once! Hansel (Renner) was definitely more 'kid brother who mucks up every now and then and has to have big sister come save his ass.'

Girl power.

    Plus it was nice that they made evil witches ugly instead of beautiful and seductive. It felt more like a fairy tale/folk story that way. 

   The story wasn't as predictable as I thought it would be either. I felt like it was mocking me every time I guessed something wrong. 

You thought you knew where we were going with this but you didn't haha. 

   I thought it was interesting that they brought up the subject of diabetes and an alternative to a defibrillator. Futuristic science in a fairy tale is definitely intriguing; especially when explained in a fairy tale way. The weapons were cool, the spells were cool...It was just cool, ok? I'd say 8 out of 10. Nice action, kickass movie. 

A Haunted House

LOL

    EDIT: Ok so 'lol' by itself isn't good enough of a description for a movie...I get it. (Or is it?)

    This is the first comedy movie (in a very long time) to make me laugh so hard I couldn't breathe. I'd say that's pretty damn good. The jokes were mostly funny although I could do without the scene with Nick sexing it up with stuffed animals. It was uncomfortable. But I do go into comedy movies knowing they plan to make me uncomfortable...just not like that.

    They made some Blair Witch references and I believe a Left for Dead reference about startling the witch + other horror movie stuff. It was funny, I laughed, watch it when you got the time.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Insert super duper geek out session here.

    When I got wind that they were making this into a movie I thought I wouldn't be able to hold out to see it. Then they decided to make it into three parts. You're KILLIN' me smalls. Luckily I got to see the first installment a few days after it was released and it was everything I wanted it to be and more.

    To back it up a bit, I feel it is story time. You see, The Hobbit was a book my father had read to my brother and me when we were little kids. My brother would act out any action scenes respectively and I'd tell him to shut up and sit down so dad could continue. This book was my childhood. So after seeing the film, I decided I needed to go back and read it again.

    I have to give the creators of the movie a slow applause. They direct quoted from the book many times and made Bilbo Baggins out to be even more lovable and endearing. 

And who can't fall in love with anything Martin Freeman does in general?

    Seriously. This movie did good. It was a total of 2 hours and 49 minutes long and I loved every minute of it. The only happiness I felt from it coming to an end was that I could go to the restroom and relieve my bladder without missing anything. Otherwise I was sad that it was over and that I'd have to wait an eternity to see the next installment.

   A coworker of mined asked, "Didn't it feel dragged out to you?" and I replied with, "No, why?" insulted anyone could insinuate that this movie was too long. His reasoning was that half and hour had passed and they were still in Bilbo's house. I remember stating that was my favorite part and he looked at me like I was crazy. To each their own.

    Since I have no complaints and wouldn't be able to state any downfalls with this movie (other than how annoyed I was that they wouldn't show the dragon's face throughout the whole beginning as if A DRAGON'S FACE is a mystery), I'll have to name a few my coworker had issues with.

The one dragon eye to woo them all. I can practically see Benedict Cumberbatch in that galaxy eye.

   First being the movie was dragged out. How long can dwarfs stay in a hobbit hole and keep people entertained? 

    My answer: The whole movie. They drink, make jokes, and sing songs with their smooth as milk chocolate voices about mountains COME. ON.

I'd want them over to wash my dishes if I didn't know they'd eat me out of bed and home

...like a certain friend of mine does already..hmm.

    Secondly: The orcs and such were all animated and not real people.

    Boo-friggin-hoo. I don't really get how that's an issue. Someone explain to me why this is an issue. No. Really.

The trolls were hilarious, by the way. Being human actors wouldn't necessarily improve anything.

    There was stuff added to the story.

    Yes, other Tolkien lore was added to the movie. Considering it's the same world, I don't have a problem with it. Plus it added some cool story telling feel to it. The movie literally felt like a book in motion. It was that cool.

   Basically, I am all-around biased towards this movie and can see no wrong in it. I acknowledge my coworker's complaints but do not see them as failings. It just feels like unnecessary nitpicking on an awesomely done movie. 10 out of 10 from me. Everyone should see it!

Silent Hill Revelation: For the Fans

For those not in the know, Silent Hill Revelation is basically an adaption of the video game Silent Hill 3. (As well as a sequel to the first movie.)

This.

In my opinion, this movie is what the first Silent Hill movie should have been. It catered to Silent Hill fans A LOT. Of course that means it's not really going to be a movie for nonfans. Or at least I don't really see how nonfans could like it.

It's got a sporadic pace, kind of like a roller coaster. From the start you're thrown into the action; the nightmare that is silent hill (much like the beginning of SH3!). Then it's slow for a while, then it's fast! then slow again. They had to put in a lot of explanations and flashbacks from the first movie (which was executed rather well) but I'm not sure it's something people would like.

Reasons:
1) Not that many jump scares
2) Weird soundtrack
3) what the fuck is going on?

There weren't many stupid decisions either. Basically: This wasn't a lame B-movie gore ride which I think made people bored with it (from what I observed in the theater I was in). The guys in the row below me were more preoccupied with all the boobies and vaginas more than anything else.

So now that I've talked about it from a nonfan point of view...Here's my fan reaction:

IT. WAS. AWESOME.

Reasons:
1) Not that many jumps scares
2) Akira Yamaoka remixed the soundtrack a bit but still very SH3
3) I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

Chris' name was changed to Harry. Heather looks and moves like Heather.  THEY DIDN'T MAKE HER A WUSS. This was actually what I was seriously worried about. The Heather I knew was really strong and didn't take shit from anyone. She's exactly like that in the movie.

All around Badass.

There's new and old monsters! The new ones were super cool so I'm not upset about this in any way, shape or form. Some people may not be happy with what they chose to do with Pyramid Head, but I like it. Once you see the movie, you'll understand what I mean.

Now things I hated about it:
1) The actress picked for Claudia
2) Vincent

As I mentioned in my first blog post, Carrie-Ann Moss didn't care to see what the video game Claudia was like and decided to play her how she liked. That was her mistake. Her version of Claudia basically sucked. 

In this picture, we see her failing at Claudia. She isn't even happy with herself ever.

As for Vincent, I could go on and on but I'll just leave it at: I understand it's a movie but does there REALLY need to be a love interest? 

Go back to the wall, Snow!

Even with that, I have to say to Silent Hill fans, I HIGHLY recommend you see it. It was great. And if you can, see it in 3D. I had fun swatting at the ash falling in my face.

To nonfans, I'd say go see it only if you really like story and disturbing movies. Go for the creepy ambience, not for the jump scares or screaming girls.



Possible Spoilers******* Not about plot. Mostly easter eggs I suppose.

There are TONS of nerdy moments for Silent Hill fans. These include:

Locked doors
Robbie the Rabbit
Travis Grady (from SH Origins)
Possible hint at SH: Downpour
Pyramid Head
Missionary
Save Point Symbol
Metatron
The Pipe weapon!
etc, etc.

I pretty much fangasmed the whole movie.

21 Jump Street

"This is all Glee's fault. Man. Fuck Glee."

    In a moment of weakness I decided to watch this movie last night which was probably to best time to watch it. (Meaning I was sleep deprived and easily amused.)

    I was pleasantly surprised at how decent this movie was. I thought it was going to be another dear God, why would they allow this to be created? kind of movie but that wasn't the case.

    Yes, it was a comedy movie with a lot of why would you do that? moments but it was bearable. There were some ingenious jokes about Korean Jesus and poking fun at action movies with their unrealistic car explosions.

Korean jesus ain't got time for your problems.

    Along with the typical high school clique drama (including new cliques! Now with more hipsters!) there was a dash of irony and life lessons hidden in the comedy. Or jabbed at. However you wish to describe it.

Gave me some uncomfortable memories about high school as well.

    The movie is rather upbeat and shows that no one is innately stupid and anyone can be popular amongst the right kind of people. Just don't leave your best buddies behind.

   All-in-all, this movie was pretty funny, had some new quirky jokes, and a bunch of ridiculousness to make it great. I'd watch it again.

The Expendables 2

     Fuck yeah!

    If you thought the first one was cheesy and boring, don't worry! This one was even better, a tiny bit less cheesy, and a whole lot more kick ass.

    I'll admit, I could already guess everything that was going to happen but why would you even watch it for plot? There's explosions! Gun fights! Car chases! Better hand-to-hand combat! And the token leading lady is actually a good fighter this time! It also includes every cheesy one-liner I could have wished for.

    I recommend it to anyone who wants to see a decent action movie and of course to those who are fans of all the guys in the picture above. Who knows when we'll see this much badassery in one movie again.

The Dark Knight Rises

Quite literally

 
    The Dark Knight Rises was everything it should have been. There may have been a plot hole here or there but it wasn't hard to just accept and move on because...well...Batman.

    I was pleasantly surprised by Catherine Hathaway's version of Catwoman. She was way less literal and obvious about the whole cat thing and it definitely worked with this version of Batman. I don't really have much of an opinion on Bane other than his cartoony voice was splendid. Someone that terrifying having a ridiculous voice just kind of adds onto the terrifying. The plot twist was a bit obvious to me but I'll let it slide.

eheeeeheheheee

    The only thing that really bothered me was the amount of senseless killing in this movie. There was a TON of it. I'm not usually bothered by it in movies due to desensitization but it was very in your face. I feel like it wouldn't have been as good as it was otherwise but it was definitely a bit difficult to stomach. 

    The entire movie had me emotionally compromised which isn't something I'd love to admit. It was just that good. By the time the movie was over I felt a sense of closure and hope for what future projects it may inspire. I'm just not quite sure what to do with my life now that the trilogy is done. Here's to waiting for the next person to pick up Batman and make it just as good or better.

Death Tube

What

    One of those movies not many people in the Western hemisphere have seen (or maybe even heard of). It's a Japanese horror I watched a few weeks ago. It was quite the boregorefest. 

    Basically the premises is this: There's a youtube-like website that pops up randomly once a year that can't be traced and it shows people solving puzzles and being killed when they can't finish the puzzle in time. I suppose you can compare it to SAW. There's a group of people and they have to abide by certain rules for every puzzle in order for the whole group to live to the next puzzle. Of course some just want to save themselves and usually end up getting themselves killed for it. 

    The killer is also dressed up in a bear outfit and has a silly cartoonish voice which is rather unsettling.

Yeah, no, thanks.

    Halfway in I was ready to turn it off and go to sleep. I was bored. Unfortunately, I wanted to know who would be the last survivor (or if anyone would get to live, knowing Japanese horror), so I continued on. I have to give it credit for that. It caught my curiosity enough to keep me watching.

   The movie is full of triggers and the ending is rather disappointing but they play some funny music as the credits roll.

   Not for the faint of heart. I would probably say it's an interesting gem for those who love J-Horror. 

The Bourne Legacy

    I have just returned from seeing the movie Hawkeye Begi--- err...The Bourne Legacy.

Yeah, that one.

    If you love nothing but nonstop action then this is definitely the movie for you. No spoilers! Promise!

    This movie is basically a nonstop chase scene; a nonstop chase scene full of badassery.

Chase scene

Badassery

    Jeremy Renner is a plus. He exudes badassness as he runs along roofs and wrestles a wolf. Yes, he wrestles a wolf. If that isn't badass, I don't know what is. 

    In parts of the movie they speak of Jason Bourne, known for being the main character in the past Bourne movies, but that's all I'll say of that. I'll admit, I haven't seen a Bourne movie until now, so I can't compare it to the others. Just know, it was a good movie. I would probably rate it an 8/10. 

   

   My only issue with this movie is the ending. The ending itself isn't actually all that bad, just the fact that it ended. It's all action from start to finish. I felt like it was a total abrupt stop and it left me wanting more. In a way I guess that proves just how good it was. I wasn't wondering ten minutes in when it'll end or wondered where this was going. I was sucked in from start to finish. 

   I definitely recommend this movie to Jeremy Renner fans and fans of fast-paced action. The plot will probably make even more sense to Bourne fans so I would also recommend they see it as well regardless of the lack of Jason.

Hunger Games and Battle Royale

People are constantly fighting about which one of these is better and which one is more terrifying. Fight no more, for I have made lists. These are based off of book and movie combined. This way you can see the similarities and differences at a glance!


Battle Royale

• Not televised
• Government mandated
• No one really knows the details (other than what they heard from rumors) but they know it exists and they hear about the lone survivor once it's over.
• Only one survivor is allowed.
• It can only last 3 days long.
• Every 6 hours, who died is announced along with danger zones.
• If someone isn't killed within the first 24 hours, everyone dies. 
• Students are chosen without prior knowledge and with their class. (Killing friends)
• Family members are told. If they try to fight it, they are shot on spot. (Or tortured then killed.)
• Students are brought to a secluded (often prior population evacuated) area. (in the movie and book, it's an island.)
• Students have the rules explained to them just before it starts.
• All students wear a necklace that is water proof. If they remain in danger zones, try to take it off the necklace will blow their head off. 
• If they try to escape the island, there are battleships waiting to kill them.
• They are allowed to commit suicide.
• Every student is issued a bag with a weapon and sustenance. They are also given a map and are allowed to take the bag they had on them when taken.

Hunger Games

• Televised
• Government?? mandated
• Only one survivor allowed. (unless the head changes the rules, apparently.)
• Lasts as long as it takes for there to be a lone survivor.
• Everyone knows about the games.
• Tributes are picked by raffle.
• People may volunteer to take a Tribute's place in the games.
• Tributes are trained before it starts.
• Tributes may gain sponsors who parachute them items during the games.
• It is a free for all to get bags of food and other items.
• The games have specialized arenas. (Specialized; ie. Forest arena.)
• Those in charge of the games may use traps against the Tributes. (ex: fireballs)
• Tributes are not allowed to commit suicide on purpose.
• Tributes are allowed to take one item with them to the games.
• There are two Tributes per District. (Killing strangers and possibly fellow district member)

If you have more to add to the lists or have a correction for me, lay it on me. I'm not a Hunger Games expert so I might be missing a lot here.

Silent Hill - The Movie

    Every Silent Hill fan's nightmare; and I'm not talking about Silent Hill itself.

    The movie was an adaptation from the game series, or rather a hybrid of two or three of the games. I won't summarize the movie but here's how it became a hybrid.

    It took the initial plot of the first game, Harry Mason looking for his daughter. 

Wow. Harry's got some legs and--hold up.

    Wait...That's not Harry...Harry isn't even in the movie? The movie creators decided people would be more worried about a female than a male so they changed the character to Rose looking for her daughter Sharon (not Cheryl in this movie. Why the name change of the daughter, I'll never know). Her husband, Christopher DaSilva, is looking for the both of them, however. While it has the first game's base plot and also a few of its characters, it also uses Silent Hill 3's soundtrack (with a few added beats here and there) and Pyramid Head from the second game.

    All-in-all this movie would have been a decent adaptation. And it was. At least I thought it was. 

    Look at it this way; it's a movie. They basically made their own Silent Hill with echoes from the video game. They gave us pretty cool camera angles and scary monsters we saw in the games. (Nurses, Pyramid Head, those annoying bugs.) 

Then there was this guy. Could be worse. Could've been a toilet.

    Pyramid Head might not have the same reason for existence as per the second game, but he did have a role and explanation. He was the punisher. He's also a sexual symbol. Alessa was born out of wedlock and raped, so I suppose you can string those together. The point is, why get mad that is isn't exactly like the game? They put everything we liked into one. A big bowl of locked drawers and checking the map 50 times. No, seriously. That's in the movie. Go watch it again if you didn't notice. 

    I felt that this movie did rather well at being a video game made into movie. (Better than Doom!) However, we now have Silent Hill Revelation 3D coming out in October. It has a different everything; director, writer, etc. This is pretty worrisome. Especially when one of the actresses herself admitted to not even caring to look at the video game as reference for her character. (Carrie-anne Moss playing Claudia, in case you were wondering.) Also, their remake all together of the character Vincent. 

Snow, what are you doing? Go back to the Wall.

    Pretty sure he's supposed to be a middle aged man, not a teenager attending school with Heather (whose name isn't even Heather!). But I'll keep my reservations for now.